In perfect thought, only temptation flatters the olive branches. Effigy is not an overwhelming favorite when it comes to novelty and grace. What happens if you grab the wrong pith of vinegar? The salt instead of sugar? At least a headstone calls to the heat that it can measure- only time can holdout against the anchor and its wage. We all lose perspective-compulsively- from loopy ideas to taught structure, just as morbidity is fur against the face, scheduled shrapnel in the wind. Polite evasion is throttling back your rights, and ceding receipts to the wish that steals the stillness …like perfume in an alleyway…breadcrumbs are known to be pretend…

July 14, 2012

“But enough about that. It’s time to test my ability to learn. As you are well aware, I have spent the last few weeks scouring the internet for all things pertaining to food preparation.
During this time, I have learned how to filet a fish, sauté a chicken and grill a steak. And while these would all be important if I was planning to open a restaurant, they do me little good.

My needs are much simpler and more immediate. Ted is gone and I need to find a way to feed myself. Period, end of story.  Before everyone is up in arms and decides to call the humane society, please know that Ted did leave several bags of dry food and a few cans of tuna for the next store neighbor to prepare. Sounds good on paper, but if you knew the next store neighbor you wouldn’t have much confidence in me getting many meals. No, he’s not some sort of an irresponsible halfwit or a heartless ass. He’s an eight-year-old kid. That’s right. Ted has left my fate in the hands of someone who can barely dress himself and who’s favorite hobby is picking his nose. Knowing Ted and how he operates, one can conclude that this had to be a cost cutting move. What eight-year-old is going to understand the concept of fair price? Hell, give him anything shiny and he will run around in circles and jump up and down. Hmmmmmm… kind of like a dog.  Wait a tick….I think I may be on to something, but I better save that correlation for a later blog post. For now, it is paramount that I learn my way around the kitchen.  I did some solid reconnaissance last night during the few hours that I let Ted sleep. Due to the nature of my mission, I only woke Ted up at 2:45, 4:15 and 6:25 for several brief snack breaks. Don’t judge, exploring is hard work and damn near impossible on an empty stomach! Luckily, I was able to ascertain the location of several key cooking utensils including two large wooden serving spoons, a small paper plate and most importantly a medium sized pot. Being that this is my first attempt at cooking, I decided to refrain from using any cutlery or fine china. While this limits what I can prepare, I’m fairly certain that it will save me the indignity of getting grounded for the gazillioneth time this month. The second part of last night’s adventure left me a little concerned. Both the refrigerator and pantry are scarcely stocked. I know that Ted’s leaving definitely affected his trip to the supermarket last week, but I could not have anticipated the lack of ingredients that I would be working with. While I am extremely confident in my newfound culinary skills, I am going to have to be more MacGuver than Betty Crocker if I am going to produce anything that resembles a satisfactory meal. So far, my only assets are one block of cheddar cheese, two slices of turkey, a half-eaten container of spam and one ziplocked bag of 4-day old Raman noodles. I have to admit it’s difficult to conceal my disappointment. After learning about a myriad of wonderful recipes, I had really hoped that my first homemade meal would be an undisputed success.” But with MacCauley Culkin responsible for my care, I guess I will have to make do. Before I get to work, maybe now is a good time to see if anyone out there in the OAC has any suggestions or better yet any safety tips. This will also be my first attempt working with electricity. So keep your paws crossed that I make it out of this unscathed.” Until next time……….