As commander of the Lemonface Brigade, I sour upon discord that lends itself to daring raids and unnecessary sackings. Misty clouds drip sunspots straddling the upward pitch of old bones and neck strains – retribution is a shallowing actor. Rolling over is deemed an expanse of imperialistic aggression, like rubbing a tuning fork against the soft beard of the Shepard-sullen profession-in hidden fatigues or fatigued from being hidden. To the north goes the spoils of the wallpapered stairs, to the south, there is drying copper. The yellow has a habit of jumping aboard the darkening feud, while still soaking wet, allying within the suds of the orange lather. The bongos go boom just outside the ribbons of light, I must tread lightly if I am to catch them-my subjects are known to become abhorrently pleasant for far less-in roots of fallen ginger- I shall represent the landgrab in all of its tasteless glory… as an honorable, but bitter hoarder…

July 15, 2012

“Things have gotten pretty interesting. Almost immediately after my last post, the sun disappeared into the darkness of an afternoon thunderstorm. To be clear, there is nothing that I hate more than a thunderstorm. Well, except for a human that will not give me treats when I ask for them, but that’s irrelevant at the present time. Before the weather change, I actually had the good fortune of catching two lizards and a moth which has served as a nice pick me up. Call it 5 hour energy for cats. I was all set to retackle my cooking situation, until the first loud BOOM! Luckily, I wasn’t standing near the stove or else I may have frightfully jumped into the vat of boiling water. As it was, I had just entered the friendly confines of my litter box for a quick session of relief and relaxation.  To all of the humans out there don’t even think about raising your nose at this ad mission. I have witnessed many a human houseguest does the exact same thing after a large meal or a tough day of work. Maybe that’s why in some circles the bathroom is referred to as the office. But before I get too graphic, I think I should return to the topic of today’s events. As I was saying, I was in the litterbox when I heard the first of what was to be many loud crashes. After the first loud noise, I did what any, intelligent small animal would do…..I freaked out. I tore out of the litter box before I was even finished with my “relaxation” if you get my drift. Normally, I would feel bad about the stinky mess that I tracked throughout the house. But that’s what Ted gets for leaving me alone to deal with the harshness of nature’s elements. I guess I will just add that to the list of things that I will be blaming on the neighbor boy. You know what they say, payback is a bitch. So far, he is also responsible for the destruction of a toilet paper roll, chewed up blinds and several severed lizard heads. Maybe I’m pushing it a bit. Anyway, I found refuge in a large walk-in closet in between a rack of smelly shoes and a messy pile of dirty gym shorts. It may not be pleasant, but at least it feels secure.  Although, I do wish there were a few windows in here. That way, the bright flash of lightening would give me a few seconds to prepare for the impending, loud thunder. Instead, I am left cringing with uncomfortable anticipation as I await the next crash. After a couple of quiet minutes, I did manage to bravely venture back into the living room, puffing out my chest to proclaim victory over the evil that had interrupted my wonderful afternoon. But a few more explosions saw me relinquish my throne as King Glen, conqueror of the skies. Defeated, I beat a hasty retreat for the closet, determined to hunker down until I was positive that the storm had passed. I may be here for a while, but I refuse to give Mother Nature another easy victory. I will use this time wisely to reformulate my strategy, so that the next time I will be ready for her treachery. I may have lost the battle, but this war is far from over.”
 

In perfect thought, only temptation flatters the olive branches. Effigy is not an overwhelming favorite when it comes to novelty and grace. What happens if you grab the wrong pith of vinegar? The salt instead of sugar? At least a headstone calls to the heat that it can measure- only time can holdout against the anchor and its wage. We all lose perspective-compulsively- from loopy ideas to taught structure, just as morbidity is fur against the face, scheduled shrapnel in the wind. Polite evasion is throttling back your rights, and ceding receipts to the wish that steals the stillness …like perfume in an alleyway…breadcrumbs are known to be pretend…

July 14, 2012

“But enough about that. It’s time to test my ability to learn. As you are well aware, I have spent the last few weeks scouring the internet for all things pertaining to food preparation.
During this time, I have learned how to filet a fish, sauté a chicken and grill a steak. And while these would all be important if I was planning to open a restaurant, they do me little good.

My needs are much simpler and more immediate. Ted is gone and I need to find a way to feed myself. Period, end of story.  Before everyone is up in arms and decides to call the humane society, please know that Ted did leave several bags of dry food and a few cans of tuna for the next store neighbor to prepare. Sounds good on paper, but if you knew the next store neighbor you wouldn’t have much confidence in me getting many meals. No, he’s not some sort of an irresponsible halfwit or a heartless ass. He’s an eight-year-old kid. That’s right. Ted has left my fate in the hands of someone who can barely dress himself and who’s favorite hobby is picking his nose. Knowing Ted and how he operates, one can conclude that this had to be a cost cutting move. What eight-year-old is going to understand the concept of fair price? Hell, give him anything shiny and he will run around in circles and jump up and down. Hmmmmmm… kind of like a dog.  Wait a tick….I think I may be on to something, but I better save that correlation for a later blog post. For now, it is paramount that I learn my way around the kitchen.  I did some solid reconnaissance last night during the few hours that I let Ted sleep. Due to the nature of my mission, I only woke Ted up at 2:45, 4:15 and 6:25 for several brief snack breaks. Don’t judge, exploring is hard work and damn near impossible on an empty stomach! Luckily, I was able to ascertain the location of several key cooking utensils including two large wooden serving spoons, a small paper plate and most importantly a medium sized pot. Being that this is my first attempt at cooking, I decided to refrain from using any cutlery or fine china. While this limits what I can prepare, I’m fairly certain that it will save me the indignity of getting grounded for the gazillioneth time this month. The second part of last night’s adventure left me a little concerned. Both the refrigerator and pantry are scarcely stocked. I know that Ted’s leaving definitely affected his trip to the supermarket last week, but I could not have anticipated the lack of ingredients that I would be working with. While I am extremely confident in my newfound culinary skills, I am going to have to be more MacGuver than Betty Crocker if I am going to produce anything that resembles a satisfactory meal. So far, my only assets are one block of cheddar cheese, two slices of turkey, a half-eaten container of spam and one ziplocked bag of 4-day old Raman noodles. I have to admit it’s difficult to conceal my disappointment. After learning about a myriad of wonderful recipes, I had really hoped that my first homemade meal would be an undisputed success.” But with MacCauley Culkin responsible for my care, I guess I will have to make do. Before I get to work, maybe now is a good time to see if anyone out there in the OAC has any suggestions or better yet any safety tips. This will also be my first attempt working with electricity. So keep your paws crossed that I make it out of this unscathed.” Until next time……….

…in the cold hours of the pitched morning, adjoined by seamless posturing and horizontal allusions, a pleasant stiffness is already harboring incentives that are gaudy and wonderful in appearance-but truncated by an approaching Church’s bell- the intrigue of timbre and performance, composition decoded with a cipher that perpetually unearths cancellation and encourages residence, fronted by the ringer with no allegory to quell. Still, the tired leap is not enough to siphon a pillared escort into the soft halls of a reprimand, beyond the quiet black pages that keep our clouded pleasures tucked in, a tossing clemency, that used to be a subtle unevenness, is as close as we can get to returning the mislaid earnings of the caretaker- recreant of the acreage and the breeze-whirling sentiments and unripe innocence-wet paws, sticky trapeze. Our suspicions are circling, but the terrain is varied, and we cannot seem to make up the bumpiness of a staggered start. By the time one clears the low-bar, content with a heartbeat and a fleeing breath, uncovering reasons as to why all constructed wishes are immediately banished and petulantly waiting on the other side of the moon, the receptors have inched closer to the doldrums of wavy asphalt and the ospreys that feast with the priests at high noon. To you, I gift my sincere retraction of a proclaimed harvest, arousal in the red, sessions that spread, cautions that ignore your reasoning and lead you once again back to bed-, where similar protocols may for once grant a leap frogged rank and file-a pile, a style- the flexibility that comes from incoherent intervals and manicured plodding-subliminal tenderizing-that at the very least, needs to reconciled and reread.

July 7, 2012

“So today is the big day. Ted packed up the last of his suitcases and scampered out the door without even a hug to say goodbye. It’s just as well. If he knew what I was planning
he would do a lot more than just withhold affection. Then again, maybe he did know and this was a preemptive way of saying that he did not approve or that
he would deal with me when he got home.  But that’s Ted in a nutshell. Always pushing things off. It’s why I rarely get disciplined for knocking over flower vases or pulverizing unattended  treat bags.
He just cannot bring himself to deal with anything. If he did, he probably would have been married by now or running some prestigious company.  Instead, he is raising a
disobedient cat and managing an decrepit apartment complex.  God love him.”
 

Popularity is an accurately flighted horseshoe that upon its first steps on land tumbles horribly to the right. It was not down to luck, for you chose to keep your throwing elbow locked. I am not speaking of survival or any necessities that a shiny coin or crisp greenback can bring, but rather the imperialism that plants its loud flag upon the wetlands of the brain. The cloth is of poor quality, yet emotionally retardant and colored by schemes that promote suspicion and ecological self-blame. And we should all roll over, once a day, not stopping sorely upon compressed shoulders or twisting spines. Closet hallways are low on morale and stimulated seeding, but cool to the touch of the mirrored doors and curiously placed air vents–no sharing with the rest of the house, or offering encouragement to the furry spores that toe the seams of forgotten coats and ill-fitted jeans. That there is a beach town, separated by stretches of unmanned roadways, expressionist color pops and a sky that is so stretched that its sloping, misshaped constellations remind you not to cave to your side once again-your itch is avoidance of a colder, foamier bed of rocks and chest high waves. The friends I never had, but knew quite well fill the streets with shopping carts and rolled stop signs enroute to an already started school play. Once, we shook hands when I moved to the back of the cafeteria, while the girls offered up selective hugs and a suddenly empty seat. And yet, my eyes have adopted a benevolent sense of acrimony, and the carpet is wiry and poking me with thorny pieces of dried food-a neurotic encouragement for lucidity that is as rigged as it effete. The jostling of contemplation has a way of offering subservience, before making you wildly uncomfortable as your forgetful experiences and current frustrations suggest a later try, before suddenly trying again–invisible nudges tend to pool, like browned leaves, graciously applauding floating, sealed colors, before swirling to the bottom of a lustful stream. In this area code, I am down at the shore, pasty white with my board, and seasons to go before the arrival of one wave, my wonderment sports wet suits, strategic take off points and always blow-dried hair. Yet, often times, the occupiers cruise the coast, never looking at anything but the flashing buttons of their phone-dropped popsicles in arrears…ill-timed, but deservedly allocated, trapped by self-appointed projections and twisted metal frames where the feet meet the seat. I get beeps that drip too, every browsed site offers a retrospective where the missteps and bypassed arrangements, can be solved with nervy dedication and shifted allegory. Actually, the envelop that is the dichotomy in which I hope to live, is wedged both inside and outside of the closet door. The next reunion offers five more years to become practical and understood. In those halls, the fuzz will be supplanted by shiny marble and the grounds will be as barren as the desert that separates memories and friends, neither of which have been healthy enough to grow or lift the stars. Sure, more doubts will come with more flags to plant, but does anyone really avoid a handshake? Abundance cannot shy away from the absurdity of outcome which weighs down the irons of ideology, keeping the pomp from tip toeing beyond the shore, even recoiling in rejection forces the drift of the elbow to amend. In the shadows of one’s entirety, the infancy assembles for all contempt that has passed….a golden serenade is merely light that has not yet realized that perception is a dead end.

I have been known to nod off during work disputes or cracked water lines. I once saw nine stiches close a head wound that may have fulfilled the final sentence in the book of Revelations, “the first plague will commence with a stubborn freezer door and the edgy idealism of a falling ice tray.” And they say that all pets will go to Heaven, perhaps the humans will live eternity *protected* by collars and leashes. Sometimes, I groom so much that recent meals become warmer than the duped permission of any jacket, fabled constancy and an overwhelming smell- massaging many tired rooms and scolding the off-limit territories, but most importantly, a competing bristling feather under the nose, an allergy that reminds me to guard my pelt and eat again. Let us be proud of the clumps of posturing fur that smooth out jagged, knee scuffing corners and level off dust and bits of clay-sure the litterbox could be neater, but America’s past time is my appearance and less likely to stain or cost you money over missed signs and broken up double plays. The coin purse is a hard pass, the onus is on the purchaser to defend printed flowers and scratched gold, even the tiny latch fastens within the authority of a dropped pillow instead of the flooded arrival of the headliner, in this case a definitive, auditory-lit snap. I just knew that I would spend less time tying on the shiny hook than the cold, dark sinker-confected by a perfectly round pour, baked in by a cold war aftertaste that is far more bitter when fired by powder charged tongue. Such a sad world, the carefully crafted shine that ensnares the catch, deserving of glory and praise, but far too sharp for a smooch to avoid a permanent stutter. The neighbor does not ask for my opinion, she is small, timid and vapid, in other words, she is all the same, we are here to steal your glances, high pitched baby calls do little to peak our interests or break away from mustard evoking portals-every adventure is a consumption for entitlement levelled off from plummeting trade. Accountability is contempt in which every keystroke is the difference between a cheered tyrant and a catalyst for rationalized disease. Throw the stones and draw the gawkers in with your glass-pierced eyelids-if you have looked closely over the years, you will note that the starting value, is barely higher than a multiple of one-but my art needs only one attempt to keep pace with the steam from a southern storm and a melting, moonlit street. A lisp darting through shrapnel, now that is a *bluew badth of courath* and the critic’s quandary of freewill.

500 words and what a goal that is. Symbols, characters and nauseum, requirements are as insignificant as a single toenail that dredges the ocean’s floor, in less than six inches of a salt- soaked schism-staggering sick or jellied flotation. Deviants and deviations are not hatched of a purchased calm beyond the legalities of the highest appeal-veredus may extract the final roll of musty, green furred change, while only being entitled to a speed freak who is pumped deeply by oats and hay. The town’s planning and zoning board is willing to plant pylons and probity and yet that terror metastasizes in balance and stillness. Just a few more votes, and we will pay to arch those toes-crabs and shells want to live amongst low crime and good schools, while the sand turns to cool mush to keep from being brushed aside-one settling swirl-digest the quiet relish that I ate. Personally, I find orange to be threatening and a nylon circle is the precursor to false bravado and the end of your life, and strife too-push off that sales deadline and relish the role of a tax cheat, the hydrangeas look best in oxygen depleted blue and the dancing moss is as wispy as the neck that guides the stones and shine that hula hoops the allusivity of a challenged, red-haired bequest-hair dye is an alleged game changer, when lathered with translucent waves and yellow meadows that watered eyes before rolling rocks and glaciers exercised the first rounds of eminent domain. In kindred depths that were just lethargic enough to promote strained subtraction by an adventitious rebuttal, the survivor relates unrest to double barrels, melted down to terminal smiles, left unguarded for his race is being torn down from the horse that followed the wrong commander to the front of the school. Sure, you can look around, the floor settles with less interruption, and the tiny fish nibble at the ankles, for they know that none of us are really alive. Skin is warm chocolate and a cold brew, sweet and buzzing, traveling fast to the next school of explorers that consider drifting still, to be the very definition of being humble and brave-putting in just enough work to solicit a blind date from a friend who is trending towards becoming a darting acquaintance thanks to your bitter girlfriend and the vastness of a crowded mall, but at least she keeps dirtying the sheets. Thanks to the restless legs, we are back underneath the covers, where we are seen, but there is no suspense in waiting to address how the motions come to play out. Trends will yield an empathy that lowers the expectations of the gunwale, forwarded by the constellations on a crisp, blue night, but first, make sure your updated card is on file. And then the Renaissance came, 463, 464, a steady shit can certainly entertain and learn to swim, I miss the toxicity that a detached nail can hang, let’s argue in the morning, left rear rudder, what you have not yet stolen, is ready to run aground. 504? Remind me to never try again.

Perry shifted quietly, when beckoned by the receptionist to follow her perfume to the conference room. It was only 8:40 am on the 8th of November, 2022. His appointment was not for another 10 minutes, which had left him with the feeling of being unprepared, and his stomach bloated and queasy. Perry was 6’4 and weighed well over 300 lbs, and when he was nervous, he had a tendency to waddle, to slink even, which often resulted in floors being nicked and walls being scuffed. Sam Prankman-Freed awaited around the corner. He had been up for days and his sunken eyes and unkempt hair reflected a man who was lagging behind the most updated version of reality. FTWrex had been a beam of light returning to the stars and now it was a superhero falling, without the aid of wings or a cape. In the conference room was a microphone and a top hat. Perry entered alone and instinctively nudged the door shut. He was not used to an audience, and the closed confines gave him just enough courage to clear his throat and begin to wail-high pitched and shrill. Sam edged towards the microphone, but both knew it was not needed. Lowering his voice until the sounds were pained and guttural, Sam grabbed Perry and they wrapped their bodies together, their blending serenade propelling their collective feet and arms like a bright-eyed child emptying water from their small, plastic pale. They quickstepped, then they tapped and finally foxtrotted from the windows, around the table, gliding above the leather tops of the chairs. And then the door crashed open, swinging so hard, the hinges pulled halfway from the frame. A voice bellowed, “you had your five minutes.” Sam stood still and held out his wrists until the man entered, picked up his hat, and inside the fading crescendo, Sam was cuffed. The ingenuity of his scheme had not lent itself to the freedoms of what maturity had sought. Money, no matter how it was earned, did not equate to the favored stage of one’s being. For Sam, the best of him would forever remain in the past, and on the rare occasion that its shine was passing close, the source’s burst was always fleeting. Sam walked quietly with the stuffed green shell under his right arm and hoped that arguments for incarcerating his childhood would be proven baseless, and that in 25 years, Perry would be waiting, ready to teach him to waltz.

On the television, men on bikes, some looking relaxed some appealing the exhaustion. Outside, men on machines cutting grass, shaving wooden chips. Waves of sweat staining both screens, the ones made in Korea and the ones built in the USA. I acknowledge that there are other masquerades in the world, but I enjoy the one that mates to what I am describing. People come and go, first attracted to my charms and then gutted by the pace of my oscillating demeanor. I make jokes about scenarios that yield tragedies befitting the most privileged of human lackies, and then I snap at my real time counterparts that interject their own style of dispensers-trash bags can wear lemon fragrance as well as the heedless Quinceanera, allergic to the bouquet – I find all contributions to be childlike-patches of carpet that have been trampled-choose your own positioning-popularity triumphed by weight and distracted by debris-looking up-a calculated lineup or dumb luck with who is in charge of the tracking-the backing feels obesity from all points of contact and the generic fibers become a refuse for hardened gum, wet leaves and a blend of organic and synthetic droppings-more cabbage anyone? You cannot blame me, I always clean my feet and I have never taken up smoking. Maybe the men beaming in from thousands of miles away and their closeup kin should consider taking the odd drag, their health is already being compromised for purported glory and graded task. Personally, I lean towards those who clear the snail’s path as opposed to those who ride in ascending circles, rewarded with not having to pedal on the way back down. Still, some are unable to hold on and give up as the road disappears into the clouds, equaled by the anguish of the men who are unable to protect their eyes from the teamwork of the steel and leafy blades. I confess that today is slim pickings for things to observe and decisions to address, but it is reflective of what the day can bring, in the human world, mountains and fields are the stars, but ultimately never get their way-praise is a sucker for interference. Is there an alternative, you ask? Of course, other channels yield combatants clubbing a ball and other rooms highlight a man hammering nails into a roof. I lick the wooden posts that adorn the stairway, as I ascend and descend, at a comfortable pace, sometimes standing still, sometimes transporting expired gravy. Perhaps, I could teach the nail to duck and the mower to power itself. Would that bring my friend back, focusing on the shaded pathway from the bedroom, and forgetful of the harshness of our previous talk? There is yelling outside and screaming from a crash, where blood encompasses the entire broadcast scene. I am not impressed, maybe I need to be, for beyond my intake and the depths of my assessment, I could use some company, humanity inspires healthy, positive dialogue, until the greased chain is equally celebrated and the worker turns to the absurdity of the pool skimmer-stealing the spotlight is another way of absolving an intervention-puff, puff, lifted veils- patterns underrun.

The other side had washed the riches that the chord of the passing spirit brings, immaterial to what the boy had always wanted. He minded his chores and harvested great multitudes of fervent followers, most importantly, he had encouraged the vine when others may have severed the connection it was building between immature host and influential sphere. We all see so much green when we look outside for the way forward, shedding the millennia of what we have been trained to preen. I juggle synonymous refrain and hardening vials of blood. My complexion that was well-lubricated, passed inspection at the first refinery, now it was as exciting as the choice of butter as a single spread. The neighbor was hammering once again, the bell was never loud enough for everyone to apprehend. I looked closely and determined that some rosebuds are blue, assignment triumphs over the rank of rebuttal. There was a new source of value, a spring fed lake, illuminated just beyond dusk. But who fed the spring, and who supplied the plug? There was an emerging novelty who jumped in pools and when spouting off numbers and names, his head slung and bounced, all of his sounds sung above the wallowing cares of manual operation. It was a good life, and caged animals devoured food around the clock, yet they missed out on staking the boundaries of a kingdom. You are beyond the dust from the drift and the sting of the salty sea. The boy no longer cries himself to sleep nor thinks of napping in front of racing cars. As the keys submerge and escape, so do the hugs that I have to barter with to feel pleasure from removing the junction box, bridging reunion and perseverance. Of course, it is always one day closer to the umbrella of insulation-the keys, the clothes and the house. Until then I pay my penitence, by shoving my fingers and their cause, back inside my mouth–eventually the shovel runs out of dirt and the night sky… out of colorless demand.

I was doing nothing one day, and wondered what defines accomplishment. Is it the doing or is it the nothing? I have many thoughts that are as impressive as they are profound. In the alphabet, the letter C is a neighbor to the letter D. In my head, I am so clever, that on occasion, I trespass into the flower bed of being devious. Is that travel or is a destination? Perhaps, I am a carrier, spreading the cheer of the unholy. The proprietor is not as profound, and is not up for debate or even apologies. The wired mesh is a clear indicator of his feelings on the matter, but then again, there are gaps in the boundaries, so is it of faulty construct or an arrogance in the assumptive message? There are other people on the block and there are other defects in their reasoning. The ones that have the biggest yards and most vibrant landscape are the most interesting. They offer free passage and even encourage it by distinguishing the plants with placards. As if the scientific name and the place of origin is enough to make me come back, more and more each day. Cars do slow, but they never stop on this side of the commune, it is uncomfortable for the biggest windows to be facing the street. Without protection, the homes and their grounds remain immaculate, yet the single fence detects and catches everything. One could interject that if this were a riddle the owner himself was actually the trap. However, in anger and blood, all verbal plays are buried with the dirt and the staked wood that is used to defend with more intimidation and reinforced vigor, all that is perceived as having value. I am one of the few that actually knows that sadness is not an emotion or a disease, instead it is a loophole that naturally occurs within the realm of obsession. Fourteen years ago, I was born, and the garden was as colorful as wet lights pulsating between each swipe of a wiper blade, lined with decorative stones that were not lined up to bully, but rather to be part of the parade. And now, as I give in to smaller meals and longer naps, this fence could protect any castle against even the most intensive Viking siege, but the grounds are flat and not even the weeds have enough willpower to pander for a single cracked rock or a root system that has been disturbed. And both men of the house take equal satisfaction in their neurosis, and perverse pleasures in what the eyes seek and what the actions obey. Criticisms and deflections, the most logical offspring of the neighborhood that is limited to the afforded space of the page. But if I kept at it, would I exhaust the thesaurus or the word count first? In my time left, I will never get around to making even the most basic dents in words and theories that are conjoined or secretly unresistant to meeting up and partnerships that are happy. I suppose that it is good that there is always an audience to be had, otherwise doing nothing would define accomplishment. And I would have to concede that the letter B could yield a strain of awoken thoughts that are not as clever as those that are byzantine.