As commander of the Lemonface Brigade, I sour upon discord that lends itself to daring raids and unnecessary sackings. Misty clouds drip sunspots straddling the upward pitch of old bones and neck strains – retribution is a shallowing actor. Rolling over is deemed an expanse of imperialistic aggression, like rubbing a tuning fork against the soft beard of the Shepard-sullen profession-in hidden fatigues or fatigued from being hidden. To the north goes the spoils of the wallpapered stairs, to the south, there is drying copper. The yellow has a habit of jumping aboard the darkening feud, while still soaking wet, allying within the suds of the orange lather. The bongos go boom just outside the ribbons of light, I must tread lightly if I am to catch them-my subjects are known to become abhorrently pleasant for far less-shiny burials in roots of fallen ginger.

July 15, 2012

“Things have gotten pretty interesting. Almost immediately after my last post, the sun disappeared into the darkness of an afternoon thunderstorm. To be clear, there is nothing that I hate more than a thunderstorm. Well, except for a human that will not give me treats when I ask for them, but that’s irrelevant at the present time. Before the weather change, I actually had the good fortune of catching two lizards and a moth which has served as a nice pick me up. Call it 5 hour energy for cats. I was all set to retackle my cooking situation, until the first loud BOOM! Luckily, I wasn’t standing near the stove or else I may have frightfully jumped into the vat of boiling water. As it was, I had just entered the friendly confines of my litter box for a quick session of relief and relaxation.  To all of the humans out there don’t even think about raising your nose at this ad mission. I have witnessed many a human houseguest does the exact same thing after a large meal or a tough day of work. Maybe that’s why in some circles the bathroom is referred to as the office. But before I get too graphic, I think I should return to the topic of today’s events. As I was saying, I was in the litterbox when I heard the first of what was to be many loud crashes. After the first loud noise, I did what any, intelligent small animal would do…..I freaked out. I tore out of the litter box before I was even finished with my “relaxation” if you get my drift. Normally, I would feel bad about the stinky mess that I tracked throughout the house. But that’s what Ted gets for leaving me alone to deal with the harshness of nature’s elements. I guess I will just add that to the list of things that I will be blaming on the neighbor boy. You know what they say, payback is a bitch. So far, he is also responsible for the destruction of a toilet paper roll, chewed up blinds and several severed lizard heads. Maybe I’m pushing it a bit. Anyway, I found refuge in a large walk-in closet in between a rack of smelly shoes and a messy pile of dirty gym shorts. It may not be pleasant, but at least it feels secure.  Although, I do wish there were a few windows in here. That way, the bright flash of lightening would give me a few seconds to prepare for the impending, loud thunder. Instead, I am left cringing with uncomfortable anticipation as I await the next crash. After a couple of quiet minutes, I did manage to bravely venture back into the living room, puffing out my chest to proclaim victory over the evil that had interrupted my wonderful afternoon. But a few more explosions saw me relinquish my throne as King Glen, conqueror of the skies. Defeated, I beat a hasty retreat for the closet, determined to hunker down until I was positive that the storm had passed. I may be here for a while, but I refuse to give Mother Nature another easy victory. I will use this time wisely to reformulate my strategy, so that the next time I will be ready for her treachery. I may have lost the battle, but this war is far from over.”
 

In perfect thought, only temptation flatters the olive branches. Effigy is not an overwhelming favorite when it comes to novelty and grace. What happens if you grab the wrong pith of vinegar? The salt instead of sugar? At least a headstone calls to the heat that it can measure- only time can holdout against the anchor and its wage. We all lose perspective-compulsively- from loopy ideas to taught structure, just as morbidity is fur against the face, scheduled shrapnel in the wind. Polite evasion is throttling back your rights, and ceding receipts to the wish that steals the stillness …like perfume in an alleyway…breadcrumbs are known to be pretend…

July 14, 2012

“But enough about that. It’s time to test my ability to learn. As you are well aware, I have spent the last few weeks scouring the internet for all things pertaining to food preparation.
During this time, I have learned how to filet a fish, sauté a chicken and grill a steak. And while these would all be important if I was planning to open a restaurant, they do me little good.

My needs are much simpler and more immediate. Ted is gone and I need to find a way to feed myself. Period, end of story.  Before everyone is up in arms and decides to call the humane society, please know that Ted did leave several bags of dry food and a few cans of tuna for the next store neighbor to prepare. Sounds good on paper, but if you knew the next store neighbor you wouldn’t have much confidence in me getting many meals. No, he’s not some sort of an irresponsible halfwit or a heartless ass. He’s an eight-year-old kid. That’s right. Ted has left my fate in the hands of someone who can barely dress himself and who’s favorite hobby is picking his nose. Knowing Ted and how he operates, one can conclude that this had to be a cost cutting move. What eight-year-old is going to understand the concept of fair price? Hell, give him anything shiny and he will run around in circles and jump up and down. Hmmmmmm… kind of like a dog.  Wait a tick….I think I may be on to something, but I better save that correlation for a later blog post. For now, it is paramount that I learn my way around the kitchen.  I did some solid reconnaissance last night during the few hours that I let Ted sleep. Due to the nature of my mission, I only woke Ted up at 2:45, 4:15 and 6:25 for several brief snack breaks. Don’t judge, exploring is hard work and damn near impossible on an empty stomach! Luckily, I was able to ascertain the location of several key cooking utensils including two large wooden serving spoons, a small paper plate and most importantly a medium sized pot. Being that this is my first attempt at cooking, I decided to refrain from using any cutlery or fine china. While this limits what I can prepare, I’m fairly certain that it will save me the indignity of getting grounded for the gazillioneth time this month. The second part of last night’s adventure left me a little concerned. Both the refrigerator and pantry are scarcely stocked. I know that Ted’s leaving definitely affected his trip to the supermarket last week, but I could not have anticipated the lack of ingredients that I would be working with. While I am extremely confident in my newfound culinary skills, I am going to have to be more MacGuver than Betty Crocker if I am going to produce anything that resembles a satisfactory meal. So far, my only assets are one block of cheddar cheese, two slices of turkey, a half-eaten container of spam and one ziplocked bag of 4-day old Raman noodles. I have to admit it’s difficult to conceal my disappointment. After learning about a myriad of wonderful recipes, I had really hoped that my first homemade meal would be an undisputed success.” But with MacCauley Culkin responsible for my care, I guess I will have to make do. Before I get to work, maybe now is a good time to see if anyone out there in the OAC has any suggestions or better yet any safety tips. This will also be my first attempt working with electricity. So keep your paws crossed that I make it out of this unscathed.” Until next time……….